Uncertainty

Today I am angry. I am afraid. I am lost and confused. What am I doing here? I feel goalless, directionless, planless.

I am afraid because I know that I could die at any moment when I have only just begun to live. I'm afraid too, because I could easily break down and have a drink, or a drag or a line. And that would be worse than dying.

I am lost because it feels like I don't understand the dharma at all. Instead, I feel that I am really, really self centered, that the amount of time I spend thinking of others is so minuscule as to be almost immeasurable.

I am angry because I don't want to feel this kind of discomfort, this kind of uncertainty. I want life to be smooth, predictable. I want my goals to be shining bright on the horizon, calling me always forward.

But it's not like that. Not today anyway. Some days are just like this.

So when I feel this way I have to come back to the center, to the root, to the foundation, to the beginning

I am alive. I am sober. I am out.

And that is all that really matters.