Uncertainty

Today I am angry. I am afraid. I am lost and confused. What am I doing here? I feel goalless, directionless, planless.

I am afraid because I know that I could die at any moment when I have only just begun to live. I'm afraid too, because I could easily break down and have a drink, or a drag or a line. And that would be worse than dying.

I am lost because it feels like I don't understand the dharma at all. Instead, I feel that I am really, really self centered, that the amount of time I spend thinking of others is so minuscule as to be almost immeasurable.

I am angry because I don't want to feel this kind of discomfort, this kind of uncertainty. I want life to be smooth, predictable. I want my goals to be shining bright on the horizon, calling me always forward.

But it's not like that. Not today anyway. Some days are just like this.

So when I feel this way I have to come back to the center, to the root, to the foundation, to the beginning

I am alive. I am sober. I am out.

And that is all that really matters.

Breathe!

So I finished the third draft of my book yesterday. It's called The Narrow Way: A Memoir of Coming Out, Getting Clean and Finding Buddha. The title pretty much sums it up.

I'm not sure what this blog is going to be about yet. I'm actually just happy to let it be whatever it wants to; no need to form it or shape it into any hard and fast purpose. Let's just say for now that it will be a place for me to share how the book is coming along, how I'm doing with staying sober, my experience as I continue to come out.

So I finished my spellcheck and saved my backups to a hundred different locations. S, my editor, is out of town for the week so I'm going to let it rest for awhile. And I mean really rest. I don't even want to look at it for at least that long. I want to give the thing some space, some time. I want to come back to it after S has given me her opinions and suggestions and be able to see it fresh and new.

I've been pretty much whipping myself along for the past sixteen months or so (longer if I consider the writing class I took at Pikes Peak and the outline dated 12/20/08...only 18 days after I got back from India!). I don't know if it was in a good way or not. I just didn't know any other way to get a project of such enormity done. So I just kept pushing myself.

No, I take that back. I do know. I did do it the right way. I was firm with myself, not cruel. I was disciplined, not obsessive. Heck, I only wrote for an hour a day for the first six months, just enough to keep me taking those little steps forward.

Still, there were many times when I felt like I was squeezing my whole being too tight. Some mornings I felt like I was going to pop!

But today I took my time doing my stretches. Took my time being in my body, loving it, giving it little massages, following my own advice from the book.

Last night, watching an old Laurie Anderson concert at a friend's house I thought: Wow, I can do anything now! I can read voraciously again. I can learn and study again. I can go to the library and hike again. I can expand myself again!

I've poured my whole being into this book, emptied myself out, tried hard not to let too much spill out over the edges. Now, or at least very soon, I can pour the whole world back in again, pour the Dharma back in again, stir it all back into my life and my practice! How wonderful!